Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why I Hate Soccer

Over the years, people have noticed that I have distinct dislike for the game of soccer. When people first asked about the hostility toward futbol, I would usually say something like, "It is boring." The dislike was actually a gut feeling that went beyond the fact that the game is boring. I just didn't know how to say, "I have a visceral hatred for the game that I can't quite define."

Years later, my buddy (Cable) brought forth the theory that the popularity of soccer in Latin America was well correlated with the spread of communism in the same region. So, for lack of a better explanation, this became my answer when I was asked about the growing hostility toward the game. I know that correlation is not the same as causation, but I wanted to avoid being associated with anything that might be communistic.

After pondering the question for some time, I think I have finally hit on the real answer. First, I believe that three things separate humans from animals: (1) a soul; (2) the ability to reason; and (3) opposable thumbs. While I don't want to call soccer players and fans soulless (even though it is possible), I think that the game of soccer insults at least two of these three differences. In other words, it draws us closer to animals rather than further from them.

Here is how soccer works against reason. The basis of the human intellect and reason is our brain. A very hard skull protects it from injury. Parents are now putting helmets on kids for all manner of activities. In sports that have the possibility of head injury, they put on helmets. The athletes getting prepared for football, baseball, cycling, hockey, and NASCAR stop to put on a helmet to protect their brain. Think about that. The redneck climbing into a race car puts on a helmet while youth soccer coaches encourage kids to go home and practice hitting the soccer ball with their heads. This is contrary to every human instinct of protecting the brain. The only other sport that comes close to this is the brutality of professional boxing.

Soccer violates another of the differences between humans and animals when it requires the players to ignore their hands. Other sports (basketball, tennis, curling, even poker) pay homage to the fact that we have opposable thumbs and can pick up and control tools with our hands. In soccer, you can be kicked out of the game for exercising the instinct to use your hands.

So, there you have it. That's why I hate soccer.

AND, I didn't even get into the non-competitive attitude of youth soccer and how that will damage American competitiveness in the world economy. Before you say it, that doesn't make me a kook.

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Here is a very good article about the some of the problems facing the nuclear renaissance that I wrote about earlier.

7 comments:

Kritter Krit said...

Oh my gosh, this is your funniest post EVER!

And just so you know my stance on the matter, if Sophie asks ME if she can play soccer, I'm saying YES, MA'AM! Get in the van right now! (Anything to have her expending her boundless energy on something other than creative marker/glitter/glue/scissor projects that destroy my house.)

Anonymous said...

Russ,
Sophie has a little birthday present coming in the mail soon from us. I think you're going to like it quite a bit. :)
Love ya,
Annie

Anonymous said...

what a dumb*ss, just ignorant born, ignorant bred scripted lifestyle, probably educated at a small liberal arts college where the teacher made you believe one thing and you took it in the a** like it was your wife(man). Its ok just hate soccer, just let you know you your beatoff sport football came from "soccer" or the real football. Next time bloque, why dont you make it handball eh?!!!

Russ said...

"what a dumb*ss, just ignorant born, ignorant bred scripted lifestyle, probably educated at a small liberal arts college where the teacher made you believe one thing and you took it in the a** like it was your wife(man). Its ok just hate soccer, just let you know you your beatoff sport football came from "soccer" or the real football. Next time bloque, why dont you make it handball eh?!!!"

You just reminded me of another reason to hate soccer: Stupid soccer fans.

Anonymous said...

hey man don't hate on something you dont understand. that makes you soulless, not watching football. sikim senin var yohunu. BAzd meg a kurva anyad egyben!! thats 2 different languages for you, football unites people, while baseball and american football sells hotdogs and beer. good for you man. no one cares what you think. ;)

Anonymous said...

Iw ould never put soccer and communism in the same sentence. But as teh popularity of soccer is growing in the US, according to your statements, can I say that the US is becoming a communist country?

Anonymous said...

This article begins to show a connection between animal traits and soccer but doesn't explain why you hate. A human could love soccer for its animal qualities. Why do you hate?

I don't think this article actually explains your hatred. Keep searching and good luck in your search.

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